The Comedy Tribune

If you’re anything like me, you’ve always wanted a career as a comedy writer. But, either you’re a genius that the world simply isn’t ready for, or you are straight up not good enough. One way or another, it’s not happening. After ten plus years of living paycheck to paycheck and devoting your evenings and weekends to writing screenplays no one will ever read, keeping your delusional dream alive can really take some hard work! So, if you're looking for advice on how to turn this around, I got nothing. After all; there’s really no way out at this point. The bank will not give you a student loan, and your parents do not live in an area with economic opportunities: especially for someone like you; with no marketable skills. But, as Gandhi said, “when you’re all outta hope, you still gotta cope, sister!” Here are some lessons I’ve learned from a lifetime of just barely hanging in there.

Keep An Active Social Media Presence

If the industry won’t validate your choices, maybe some of your Facebook friends will. Studies have shown that the dopamine hit that comes from achieving a goal is pretty much just as good as the one you get a handful of guys you met at an open mic once liking one of your memes. Plus, honestly, a tweet that describes a comedy sketch is funnier than an actual completed scene nine times out of ten.

If memes aren’t your style, there are plenty of things you can post to achieve the illusion that you matter! Point out a bad thing in politics, share a photo of the title page of a script that you’re “working on” or just a photo of you in a nice shirt will do in a pinch. Remember, don’t derail that validation train, and make sure to unfollow anyone who regularly posts about achieving important life milestones.

Lie!

If you can’t fake it till you make it, you can at least fake it until the conversation you’re having is over. An internally consistent web of lies can really help get people off your back, and make you feel like you’re killing it right now. It’s easy!

“How was your show?” ”It was great!”

“Did you just smoke weed all weekend?” “No, I planned a podcast that I will release with my award nominated comedy collective.”

“Are you getting paid for that?” “Yes.”

“Sounds like things are going pretty good then.” “Yes.”

Treat Yourself To Talking Shit

Nothing brings people in the creative arts community together like talking shit about their peers. In fact, people are probably out there talking shit about you right now. (Or at least they would if anyone ever thought about you.) No one is above harshly criticizing those with more success, so why deny yourself this small pleasure? Grabbing some drinks with a catty friend and going to town is a form of self care. You need this!

Scratch Tickets?

Someday if you work hard and pay your dues, an opportunity will come along. It could be an important gig or it could be this very scratcher, baby! Win this bad boy and you could finally afford to go to one of those screenwriting conferences. That’s where you’ll make the connections you need, see? Then it’ll all start to click. All I need is one more vowel and this OLG Crossword and the career of my dreams will be mine… Dammit, not a Y!

Redefine Success

If you define success as living a comfortable life and achieving your goals, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Try telling yourself that making your bed is a success, or some such shit. All those condo dwelling vehicle owners out there might seem “successful” by society’s standards, but they’re probably boring, right? Sure, 20 year olds on Youtube make more money from screaming at video games than any of your creative pursuits ever will, but they’re probably alt right and you’re not, so that’s a success on your part. If you could afford one, that’s probably what a therapist would tell you.

Whether they succeed or fail, everyone who tries to enter show business ends up unfulfilled and sad, so by skipping straight to that part you’re really saving everyone a lot of trouble. If you follow these tips, you can still find happiness while winding away the 50 or so years you have left to live as a funny poor grouch.

Bryn Pottie - @bryntendo64