Why I'm Not Writing... by Julia Hladkowicz
Leap and a net will appear.
This is what I keep writing over and over in my morning pages. Morning pages are like a diary. Stream of consciousness. Brain drain. Call it whatever you want, it’s a major part of the Artist's Way; A Spiritual Path To Higher Creativity. Sounds pretty cool, right? Before the pandemic I wasn’t writing nearly as much as I should have. I say should have instead of wanted to because it felt like a chore. A dish that would stay dirty, no matter how hard I scrubbed it. I wanted to want to write but I felt paralyzed with fear because the moment I actually wrote something might be the moment I realize I’m a fraud. That I can’t write or shouldn’t write so instead of taking the leap I avoid it because people can’t critique what doesn’t exist.
I don’t know why I thought a global pandemic would get the creative juices flowing. That I would suddenly write a pilot or a screenplay now that I have all this time on my hands. Not even one week into lockdown people were tweeting “You know, Shakespeare wrote King Lear during quarantine”. "Well good for friggin' him!" I'd scream into my laptop. Time wasn’t the issue. I had time on my hands before but I didn’t use it. Not because I was lazy, but because I was scared. And guess what? I’m still scared! I just re-read the last few sentences I wrote and immediately wanted to stop writing. What is wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. Putting your creative self out into the universe for others to poke and prod at can be very invasive. Especially during—wait for it— these uncertain times. They’re so uncertain yet everyone is certain that you should be using this time to your advantage. Pump out content! Learn a new language! Write a book! Launch a business! It's as if the moment lockdown began everyone did a fat line of coke and decided to scream their to-do lists across social media.
The pressure to create started creating fear and doubt. On my “path to higher creativity” I’m learning that I have a lot of blocks. QUELLE SURPRISE. In 2015 I was commissioned to write four articles for an online publication, because they loved my ideas. (Hooray!) After I sent the first article I got an email saying they couldn’t publish it.
“The main problem is that you are introducing far too many ideas, paragraph after paragraph, and it lacks flow & structure.There's definitely a voice there, but you need time to work on your style”
Yikes. So instead of introducing too many ideas, I stopped introducing any ideas. I stayed in my lane. The only writing I did was for my own stand-up, which is a whole other wonderfully complex dumpster fire that I’d like to talk about but NO! Remember what happened last time, Julia?! One idea at a time.
As the years went on I started writing again but that nasty “structure” note kept coming back to haunt me. It was time to admit that I had a problem and finally enrolled in a pilot writing class. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. The whole 8 week class is structured and with the right framework, I could really let my voice soar! I got positive feedback and guidance and at the end of the course I had something I was really proud of! Which is why it really hurt when my manager dropped me out of the blue because she “didn’t vibe” with it. I later found out that she dropped a bunch of her clients because she quit the management company but that damage was done. I was convinced no one would ever vibe with me, whatever that even means.
I dipped my toes back in the writing pond with my food blog because there was nothing to lose. I even called it “Eat This and Shut Up” because I didn’t even want to entertain the thought that anyone would leave any kind of comment on one of my posts. I wrote like no one was reading (and honestly, I don’t think many people were unless you count my mom. Hi Linda!) and I started to enjoy writing again. I wasn’t trying to please anyone except myself. People started reaching out telling me how much they liked my writing style. (You mean the style I need to work on?) That it felt so relatable and easy to read. (Could that be flow they’re talking about?) They even loved that I seemed to put feta on everything (THEY WERE VIBING WITH MY FETA?) because I was being unapologetic about my writing and my food choices. My food blog is my safe space because even if I write “ME LOVE ZUCCHINI” next to a picture of a watermelon, I can still publish it because it’s mine.
Unfortunately, I aspire to more than “me love zucchini”. I have so many ideas that are below the earth, like bulbs in early spring. These bulbs are hesitant to turn into flowers because the winters have been cruel. So that’s why I find myself desperately searching for a creative awakening. If I just do everything the book tells me to do then I’ll be able to write some kind of masterpiece.
I wouldn’t call this a masterpiece, but I did take a small leap. I fought against it for weeks but I wrote this article. All it took was a mild anxiety attack at 3am to jolt me out of bed and into the net. If it wasn’t clear due to my lack of structure, I want to remind anyone reading this to create because you want to create. You have a story. A voice. A talent. There’s a place for you, even if it’s clunky and weird.
I don’t really know if this is a satisfying ending. Now that I’ve re-read I truly don’t know if I like it or hate it but one thing is certain.
Me love zucchini.
