The Comedy Tribune

It was my first day of the Winnipeg Comedy Festival and I just finished gigging at a library. I was standing around the lobby of the Fairmount when the artistic director of the fest, Lara Rae, approached me and said, “Want to do the penitentiary with me tomorrow?” The word yes came right out.

Later on, it started to sink in what I may have signed up for. I wondered, would it be like the movies? I was having a bite with a friend in the hotel bar when one of the fest organizers stopped by and asked what was next for us. I said I was doing the prison and her eyes got big. She said, “Last guy that did it was a bit rattled,” and walked away! I looked at my buddy and said, “Well that wasn’t very nice.” We laughed, him a little harder than me. At this point I Google “Stony Mountain Penitentiary.” The headlines pour out, “Rash of Violence at Stony Mountain,” “Inmate Killings at Stony Not Slowing Down,” “Three Charged With Murder of Fellow Inmate.” And I see the stat: 5 murders in 16 months. Gulp.

The next morning I try to pick out some bits that would work inside. They all sound different when you run them through the “I’ll be saying this to prisoners” filter. Setups like, “You know when you’re out to dinner,” become slightly uncomfortable. I put on a black shirt, obviously, and decide to take double my usual dose of CBD oil.

It’s Lara, Yumi Nagashima – a Japanese comic that works out of Vancouver – and I on the show, and – most importantly, the creator of these shows who I’ll refer to as “our host.” She does stand up and worked at Stony Mountain for many years. We couldn’t have been in better hands.

We load into a blue Corrections Canada van driven by a large uniformed officer that I read as a “no-nonsense” type. On the way, Lara and I trade some of our favourite Steve, Rosie and Frank Shuster stories, but I never stop thinking about where we are headed.

Now that Kingston is shut, Stony Mountain is the oldest and largest penitentiary in Canada. As we pull up the kilometre-long driveway, it’s obvious how enormous it is. The amount of vehicles outside made me think about how many people it takes to run it. We took a slow driving tour around the perimeter. A huge recreational yard is cut in half with an additional fence so drugs can’t be lobbed in. At staggered posts along the road, guards sit in pickup trucks with rifles. We’re shown the minimum security housing units, with outdoor access and no locks on the doors, just an alarm after midnight. They have minimum, medium and maximum security inmates at Stony. Prisoners don’t get assigned minimum, medium or maximum based on their sentence. It’s all about how they behave inside. Enough good behaviour can earn an inmate medium and the threat of going back to max must be good incentive to stay in their lane. We get confirmation that maximum-security inmates have not been invited to the comedy show.

We enter through what appears to be the main front entrance and go through security screening like the airport. We had to leave everything in the van except what we were wearing, one piece of government ID and we negotiated for comedy cheat sheets. We each get a badge with a large red “V” for visitor to wear at all times. Our host says “hi” to old colleagues and then we’re taken through a maze of hallways, each with a huge steel door that we were buzzed through past guards in stations and eventually the yard. We’re told the inmates will be wearing their prison blues and to expect lots of face and neck tattoos.

We emerged into this central open area and then it was obvious we were all the way inside now. We were probably pretty conspicuous. Visitors must always be. But we’re my middle-aged trans friend, my young Japanese friend and me. Yeah, visitors. A couple of inmates hanging around on an upper walk way asked what’s going on. Our host immediately announced in a loud voice, “Comedy show in the gym at 1!”

We’re led to an open cell-block, which is the Pathways Range called Ni-Miikana. It’s not crowded, but it’s full. Almost everyone is Indigenous. The first thing I was struck with was how quiet and calm it felt. The inmates welcome us with nods and smiles. Some guys played canasta and others were hanging out in the open doorways of their cells. Our host tried to get someone to explain the significance of the Star Blankets that many of the inmates are skilled at making, but they were a bit shy at first. Everyone was a little self-conscious. After a few moments, an inmate showed us a few Star Blankets he had made.

Another guy offered to show us his cell, “I have the cleanest cell.” We were sold and walked up to the second level with him and followed him into his tiny cell. It was wallpapered every inch with female nudes from various top flight publications, I’m sure. Lara and Yumi congratulate him on getting them with the “cleanest cell” bit. Yumi complains, “No Asian girls?” He immediately points one out. There’s a carefully stacked castle of pop cans on a little shelf. “I drink a lot of pop.” I comment on his Jets' flag and he tells me, “I’m a lifer, so I can keep my things.” This kid looks 22. He has a little flat screen monitor with an AMC movie on. I can’t tell if his neck tattoo is a snake or a wolf, but the three little teardrops are obvious. He told us there’s no flushing your toilet after midnight or you’ll wake the whole place. I thank him for the tour and we shake hands. I watched a little canasta and then we headed to meet the warden.

When the warden first walked out of his office to greet us, I thought this must be one of the staff or something. This dude is the warden? He’s not one of those old crotchety characters from the prison movies. He looks like he’s in his late thirties and can clearly bench 300 pounds. He has a cool haircut, wearing a grey corrections sweat shirt, jeans and cross trainers. We get huge thanks for coming. The warden insisted that the comics be paid, so the inmates had their own fundraising by selling some Star Blankets. He explains the violence is at an anomaly level. “A lot of PTSD on both sides of the bars.” There are 30 gangs operating inside and outside, in conjunction with each other. Someone asks if there is a white supremacist gang and the warden explains, “They wouldn’t do well in this population. I’ve seen the odd swastika tattoo, but I usually advise that inmate to keep their shirt on.” Most of the deaths have been connected to gang activities. While some prisons separate their known gang members, the warden told us he prefers to sit them together for meals and let them communicate. “You can’t just throw away the key man.” He never said anything disparaging or even negative about the inmates. When he spoke of maximum security, “The maximum security inmates face the most challenges.” He explained that the population of Stony is listed as 65 per cent Indigenous, but it’s actually closer to 85 per cent. As far as the show, he asked us not to talk about drugs or alcohol. “A lot of the guys are dealing with serious issues. But be as dirty as you want. Can’t offend in here.” All our eyes lit up. Open playbooks! It’s show time.

We find out the inmates aren’t in the gym yet and wires got crossed. So the plan is to get the inmates, staff and guards in first. The few minutes that took was the first time I remembered taking extra CBD and was glad I did. The warden shows us a cell door from Kingston Pen from the 1800s that’s been refinished and must weigh more than a ton. I ask the warden what his fave prison movie is and he predictably tells me Shawshank.

Ok, now it’s showtime.

The gym is pretty full with a few hundred inmates taking up rows of wooden chairs, spots against the wall and a standing room little balcony at the back. Staff and volunteers take up the back couple of rows of seats and the standing room is mixed. About 15 guards line the wall by the door we entered. We decide the show will be leapfrog style, bringing each other up with no one being MC. Our host and the person who had the great idea to have comedy at Stony Mountain goes first. She’s funny and firm. She is at home here and has the place rolling quickly. Her fantastic opening puts me even more at ease. We’re going to be fine. She introduces Yumi and to say she got a warm response would be understating it. But credit where credit is due, there was no catcalling or disrespectful type stuff, just a really big round of applause. Like, big. Yumi’s hilarious material and silky delivery light the place up, even though it was already very well lit. She has a bit that begins, “I get so horny…” and gets an applause break right there. “I don’t usually get applause there…” So she tries again, “I get so horny in springtime…” Huge applause. “Still in setup...” They’re Eating out of her hand. Yumi glides effortlessly through her set using the entire stage.

It’s time for her to bring Lara up. Lara gets a great reception and huge laughs when she explains security took a little longer this time because she has a vagina now. “That’s what this stands for,” pointing to her visitor’s badge. A few minutes into her set, an inmate at the back says something that was probably not nice. I didn’t hear what, but there was a certain tone to it. A big inmate sitting along the wall pointed at him and shushed him hard. Lara heard the “shhh” and paused and looked over, and the man sitting against the wall said, “Not you hon.” She continued destroying the place.

The looks on the faces were a little different than the average show. The joy and relief were pretty palpable. I found myself distracted – fascinated. I walked across the back of the gym to take my place. Inmates nodded at me with smiles.

It’s my turn. Lara gives me a nice introduction and I open by asking, “Guys, if you had a coin with Lara on one side and Yumi on the other?” One guy in the front row shot his hand up so fast it made me laugh and I was off to an OK start. They were as warm a crowd as I’ve been in front of lately. I tried to rip through some dirty stuff for them, but they seemed to enjoy the same stuff that everyone anywhere else likes. There was a huge guard against the wall that I couldn’t make smile once. He wasn’t having it. He’s on the job and that’s fine with me. I decided to go with the natural closer the warden had given me, “The warden asked me to tell you to please keep your seats… until we can get the fuck outta here!” I got the three ladies another round of applause and we booked.

From left to right: Yumi Nagashima, Lara Rae, Tim Steeves, and the ‘host’

As we exit, inmates along the wall fist bump, high five and thank us.

We are escorted out along with all the staff that attended the show. Everyone seems very appreciative that we came. We get outside for a photo now that we have our phones back. Then our host turns to us and says, “And now a few hundred men are going to masturbate thinking of Yumi.” Lara and I appeal that the rest of us probably get a few each too.

To the inmates, Warden, all his staff and the many dedicated volunteers at Stony Mountain, I want to say a huge thank you for one of the most unforgettable experiences of my career. To anyone who gave their time or money for such a worthwhile idea, many thanks. We were made to feel at ease from the moment we arrived, although I wasn’t invited to play a single hand of canasta. I hope these shows continue, a lot of good on both sides of the mic.

Tim Steeves - @TimSteeves