COMEDY IN THE TIME OF COVID... by John Wing
This is a short article about my situation. There are thousands of comedians and variety performers in the exact same place. I’m not special, and I’m not alone.
On March 8th, 2020, I flew home to Los Angeles from Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I had worked a two week job on two different cruise ships, with a hotel day in between. I had stayed in my room for the majority of those two weeks, frightened like hell the last week that someone might get sick on our ship and we wouldn’t be able to leave. But I managed to escape Florida and get home, washing my hands so much they were chapped and trying like hell to keep my distance from everyone. I remember praying at the luggage carousel that no bags would resemble mine so I wouldn’t have to touch anything but mine. It wasn’t until I got home I realized the bag had been touched by countless people in both airports. I started wearing rubber gloves that day.
As of this writing, I’ve been a professional comedian for 40 years and on the road for the last 37 years. A couple of years ago, at age 58, it occurred to me that I would like to stop traveling. If I could still do comedy and work, fine, but I was weary of traveling. I like my house and my little suburb, and longed to spend more time here.
And…I got my wish. I wrote for a comedy show on E! Network for three months in 1994 and that was the last time I wasn’t on the road, and up until four weeks ago, it was also the longest continuous stretch I had ever spent at home. That record has been broken. I’ve been home every day since I arrived March 8th, 107 days ago. I bought a new car (HAHAHAHAHA!) in February, and took it home with a full tank of gas. I refilled that tank on May 28th.
I worked cruise ships for the last 25 years. In the last two years, I worked 20 to 25 weeks a year on ships. Add five to ten weeks of clubs and corporate jobs and you had a pretty good year. I was entering what was undoubtedly the final phase of my career, and had reached a level I was very happy with, both creatively and monetarily. Now that’s more or less over. Live comedy won’t be happening here in the U.S. for a long time. It might come back in Canada sooner, but my main source, the ships, will probably not be back before the end of the year. And possibly, quite possibly, longer. To add a cherry on top of that cake, my retirement account has been hit very hard by the stock market’s swoon, and I’m three to five years from Social Security, if indeed there’ll even be any. I am extraordinarily lucky that my wife has a job, for the moment.
Since March, I’ve tried to write. And failed. A few jokes, a couple of poems, a couple of songs. I started a podcast called “The Bad Piano Player” in which I play and sing old (really old) songs and talk about popular music of the last century. Writing the monologues between the songs, the intros, and the fake commercials has been my main gig. It’s been all consuming, which is a blessing, since otherwise I would just be brooding over where my lifetime vocation had gone and why. I’ve also done a few free zoom shows. The first was for a charity in my hometown, Sarnia Ontario. It went horribly. It was like practicing your act in front of a mirror, trying to imagine where the laughter might possibly go. I did a “Career Day” zoom meeting for an Ottawa Kindergarten class (I’m not kidding) as a favour for a friend, and that was more fun than the charity show. By a whisker. I have a Hometown charity show booked for September and a club date in Ottawa for the same month. Neither of them have been canceled yet, but now I have another problem. I have been in the U.S. for 32 years, first on work visas and then with a Green Card. My Green Card, good for ten years each renewal, expires on September 17th. One can only start the renewal process 6 months ahead of time, so on March 17th, I applied to have it renewed, paying $543. I was told I would be contacted regarding the interview and photos and such. That information came in a letter a month later. Now it is three and a half months since I applied and no notifications. We are less than three months from it expiring, which would mean endless problems going to and from Canada. It was possibly the worst time in the history of the world to have to depend on Government efficiency. Welcome to John Wing’s World of Anxiety.
Now, I could very easily have applied for unemployment and probably would have received it, but then the government could legitimately say that I had been a drain on the system and, looking at the long term, I decided not to do it. We tried to get a small business grant and were rejected. Probably just as well. My daughter got a $1200.00 check from the U.S. government, signed by President Trump himself. My daughter lives in Toronto. We didn’t get a check here in L.A.
I did another charity show last Friday, and I was getting 5 dollars (Canadian) for everyone who signed up. I stressed about it for several days, wrote a song to open with, set up the area to stand in, set up lights and everything, taped the song lyric sheet to the computer and had the set list propped on a coffee can next to the computer. Put on the blue suit I had tailored for myself last year (Bucket-list item). When I came out, my wife said “Oooh, you’re wearing the pants, too?” I was very pleased that the suit still fit me after four months at home. I warmed up, and then did the show. Everyone’s mics were on and I could hear laughs. I was really afraid I wouldn’t be able to remember the bits. I remembered coming back to roadwork after my stint on E! Network in the mid 90’s. A friend who had also been writing for TV asked me if I could remember my act and I said yes, no trouble. “It’s all still there,” I said. “Just relax and trust that you can access it.” I wasn’t even 40 then. Now I’m 60. Slight difference.
Today I got the money for the show. 52 people signed up, so I was paid $260 Canadian. Roughly one tenth of what I used to make. And I’m not complaining. You know what’s really cool about comedy? That I got to do it for 40 years. That I had a career. If that career is over, and it damn well could be, that’s okay. I’m so lucky to have my health (mostly), a wife/partner who supports me and has a job, and two kids who are also healthy. I am so lucky to live where I live, and so fortunate to have a podcast and enthusiasms that get me through the day.
John Wing performing at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival
There’s an old joke about a man sitting on his roof during a flood. The water rises and a rowboat comes along. “Jump in, I’ll get you to safety,” says the man rowing. “No need,” says the man on the roof. “God will take care of me.” Later a speedboat comes. Same thing. “Jump in!” “No thanks, God will take care of me.” Finally a helicopter arrives, throwing down a rope-ladder. The man waves them away. He drowns. At Heaven’s gate he says to God, “Why didn’t you take care of me?” And God says, “What do you want? I sent a rowboat, a speedboat, AND a damn helicopter!”
So as we hunker down for the next wave, I’m taking the best attitude I’ve got, trying to write, trying to make the podcast better, and keeping my eyes peeled for the rowboat.
