2:33 a.m. I’m awakened, again, by the ear-bursting cry of what has to be a baby with a loaded diaper. Maybe I can just ignore— nope, that’s the third kick to the shin. Yes dear, I’m going. I change her, lay back down, and then the darkness sets in: But I feel like people need to hear this. Yeah, but why would anyone listen to a nobody like you. I’m referring to my thoughts on comedy, not Miss Double Poopy Pants, a nickname that seems funny at 2:33 a.m.

Hi, I’m Kyle and I’m a comedian. You’ve never heard of me? That’s okay, no one has - not even other comedians. But in this country, even the great comedians aren’t getting the attention they deserve. Welcome to Comedians in Canada Getting Nowhere: a show where I cry into the arms of a chair, pretending it’s another comic holding me tight. It’s actually a fairly exhilarating show. At one point, I mistake the chair’s consolation as a signal and lean in for a very awkward kiss. And if you’re thinking of stealing it, don’t bother. I already pitched the idea to the Comedy Network but they turned it down, giving me excuses like: “It’s too real,” and “We don’t make television anymore.”

What made me decide to finally write this? Well, this constant inner turmoil I feel - creative ideas battling frustration and self-doubt - is exactly what the Canadian comedy industry is experiencing. There are so many problems. And even when you’ve discovered the solutions, there’s no means to put them in place.

I have the privilege of teaching a college course called The Canadian Comedy Identity. I’ve been able to take a step back a look at comedy from the outside. I get to educate students on how a comedian becomes successful, why the industry is the way it is and why no one cares. The biggest takeaway I’ve had in the three years of doing this is that no class has ever been able to name ten comedians currently living in Canada. Most classes struggle to name five.

It’s no secret that there’s a problem with the lack of original Canadian programming. Artists know it. Producers know it. Networks know it. Audiences don’t know and don’t care. But the issue is growing and audiences are decreasing. A comedian needs an audience in order to be funny. If there’s no audience then there will be no mo’ comedians. That’s a problem. How can you get citizens to care about comedy when there is no major platform showcasing the tremendous talent in this country?

Sorry, that’s not entirely true. Want to know what the biggest, most consistent money-maker is for comedians in Canada? Radio. Radio??? Radio!!! If royalties from an archaic technology, one that started when Kick The Can was a favourite pastime, are paying for a comedian’s survival then that should tell you how few opportunities there are in this country.

I didn’t always want to teach about comedy. I enjoy it but it’s not the thing I want

to do. I thought by now, ten years into my comedy career, I would have my own original series in development or at least be writing for someone else’s. I have had some success. I once sold a web series to a production company for $100. Actually, it was $150 because of my excellent negotiation tactics. Breaking into the television/web/film world is tough.

For those of you who have no clue what it’s like trying to get an original series on air, here is a physical demonstration:

• -  In one hand grab a giant fistful of straw - hay - like the stuff horses eat. Cram as

  much into that hand as you can. That represents original ideas.

• -  In the other hand, hold out a ring. That’s your network.

• -  Now try shoving that big batch of straw through that little ring all at once. The

  few strands that make it through go into development then continue to be squeezed through a series of smaller rings until a few finally make it to air. That’s what it’s like in Hollywood, where there are number of rings.

• -  In Canada, you have two rings. One is closed off completely because it’s only re- making shows that already exist but in animation format. The other is not a ring but a pinhole. Try shoving a bunch of straw through a tiny pinhole. The one or two fibres that finally manage to make it through are ragged, torn, stripped, and for some reason smell a little bit like maple.

  You see? It’s hard! And everybody knows that it’s hard but it’s getting harder. Canadian broadcasters are still funded by a very old model. This smart person can explain it much better than I can. Because of this out-of-date model, Canadian broadcasters are having to be even more selective, making shows they think will appeal to a “Canadian” audience. But that line of thought doesn’t make sense anymore. Your audience has to be THE WORLD. The world doesn’t care if your content is Canadian. Canadians don’t care if your content is Canadian. Canadians simply care about the same thing the world cares about— watching great content.

  Fewer Canadians are watching Canadian content because global content is so easily accessible now. So, less Canadian content is being made. And, the stuff that

is being made? Those identity-promoting “orginals” like Big Brother Canada, Amazing Race Canada, or that one where the white people renovate houses.

You may be thinking: “This sounds like an issue that impacts all creators in this country, not just comedians.” It’s true, it does; however, a lack of Canadian content directly affects every other aspect of the comedy industry.

There is no Canadian comedian (working in Canada) who could sell out the ACC like a Kevin Hart could. There is no Canadian comedian who could sell out multiple running shows at Yuk Yuk’s like a disgraced, power-abusing, womanizing, doesn’t-deserve-to-have-his-name-mentioned, comic could. There are only a handful of Canadian comics who could sell out small theatres coast-to-coast and that is only because they have had years of national exposure.

Performing as often as possible is probably the most vital component to a comedian’s success, yet performing is actually what pays the least. Acting jobs, writing jobs, selling your own series, royalties from streaming services, television, and RADIO - those are the things that pay well. Without real credible national exposure, Canadian comedians will never be able to bring substantial audiences to their live shows. This only adds to a comedian’s desperation, a huge reason why professional comics are often underpaid, not paid at all, and in some cases, even paying to perform. Which in turn leads to comedy being greatly undervalued as a profession.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that comedy is the least respected Canadian art form. WAIT A MINUTE . . . Comedy isn’t even recognized as an official art form! That’s right - musicians, theatre artists, visual artists, novelists, poets - they can all receive government grants but comedians cannot. I really don’t mean to offend but I’m positive that a comedian has a much greater cultural and economical impact than someone who plays the tuba (I’m going to get a lot of angry emails from tubists after this).

For comedians, there is no standard guideline on the pathway to success. You learn by watching the people ahead of you, seeing how they have achieved their accomplishments. But how am I, a “nobody,” ever going to get recognition when the “somebody” is just as desperate for work? And how is the “somebody” ever going contribute to Canada when the only logical next step is to leave the country. Just think of all the revenue being lost. Think of all of the culture being lost.

Oh no, here it comes again. It’s not the system, Kyle, it’s you. You’re not good enough. You’re not funny enough. No one cares about you. You know what, screw that! My voice deserves to be heard too! And screw you Leroy! (My maniacal cat who just made my daughter wake up again!!!) I’m going to keep pushing because I believe that things can change.

So who will change things? Well, broadcasters won’t create more content until the government changes the funding model. The government won’t change the funding model until public pressure forces it to. And the public doesn’t even know what the problem is. So, comedians, it’s up to you.

The good news is comedians have always been doing this — forging their own paths. The real, unspoken, formula for an original series making it to air is to write it yourself, film it yourself, and fund it yourself. Then, once it becomes successful, production companies and networks will come calling. Comedians need to keep doing more of the same but as one joint force.

If you want your stand-up special to be on Netflix then make that stand-up special. Other comedians - help him do it. If you want your comedy series to make it to air then make that comedy series. Other comedians - help her do it. If you want to create Big Bang Theory 2.0 then get the hell out of this country!!! We shouldn’t look at each other as competitors; we should look at each other as assets.

Let’s form our own unofficial Comedy Network, where we make the things we (and THE WORLD) want to watch. We’ve always been alone on this journey; let’s start being alone together.

Kyle Woolven - @KyleWoolven1

Click HERE to watch Kyle’s latest comedy short.